


you live in my dream state

by imustbeloyletomycapo



Series: if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too [2]
Category: Succession (TV 2018)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27896692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imustbeloyletomycapo/pseuds/imustbeloyletomycapo
Summary: post s2e1, The Summer PalaceStewy doesn't do feelings, except that he very much does.
Relationships: Stewy Hosseini/Kendall Roy
Series: if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2042740
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	you live in my dream state

After the restaurant, Stewy got drunk. Not just regular drunk, but blackout raging hangover the next morning that makes you feel like you're going to die drunk. Sandy had told him not to stay out too late, to remember they had a lot of important shit to do right now. He put his hand on Stewy's shoulder and squeezed it as he got up to leave. He knew. 

Stewy told himself that he never really believed any of this was actually going to happen. He wasn't stupid or idealistic, he knew he couldn't trust Kendall on this, Fucking his dad, his family? Logan would always be the one to fuck him first. Stewy positively ached to know what it was, what Logan had said or done to Kendall to make him into the splintered, dessicated husk of a thing that had stood before Stewy repeating a monotone sentence that he knew wasn't the truth. Or maybe that was just his ego talking. Regardless, Kendall was more of a broken robot than usual and Logan had something to do with it. 

Stewy had been disappointed by Kendall Roy countless times throughout the decades of their (weird intense definitely more than platonic but let's not say that out loud) friendship. But this time felt like an atomic bomb of sadness and fury had been dropped in the place where his heart used to be, the mushroom cloud drowning the rest of his body in rivulets of smoke and ash. He'd been so, so close to finally fucking ending Logan Roy. So close he could almost taste it. He'd ransacked dozens of companies before, picking through the meat and stripping to the bones like a vulture, Bulldozing Waystar was different though - it was personal. The thought of standing in front of Logan and laughing in his face, making him feel small and puny and insignificant and powerless. Just like what he did to everyone else. Just like what he did to one particular person who Stewy liked (loved) more than he cared to admit. 

Thé next morning, he felt like he'd been hit by a truck. His mouth felt like sandpaper and his head felt like a pneumatic drill was boring into the spot right between his eyebrows. That's it, he's never fucking drinking again. The half full bottle of whisky sat squarely on the floor sure did look tempting though. Getting obliterated with amber liquid was easier than getting obliterated with deep seated feelings he didn't want to acknowledge. Stewy doesn't do feelings. 

His phone lay on the pillow next to him, Messages from Sandy and his assistant with lists of calls he needed to make. Nothing from Kendall, of course. Stewy thought about calling him, but he knew he wouldn't get an answer. It would be pathetic anyways. pleading your (ex) best friend to tell them why they'd fucked you like this, why they'd fucked your plans like this. The irony almost made Stewy laugh. Kendall had been fucking him for years, in one way or another. 

The night before their Harvard graduation, they had stood on the roof of an apartment building passing a joint back and forth and back and forth and talked and talked about life and plans and the future. Those past four years had felt like a whirlwind, parties and drugs and girls (and boys) and finals and stress, And Kendall. Always Kendall, by his side or bobbing along after him carrying the weight of family expectations and crippling insecurity on his back. 

When Stewy was nine he told his mother he wanted to marry Kendalll when he grew up, because that's what best friends did wasn't it. She looked back at him with that stern face he hated and quietly told him never to say that to anyone ever again. So he didn't. Not on that night on the roof, not on the night Kendall told him he was planning on proposing to Rava, not on the night before Kendall went to Shanghai and was so high out of his mind that he told Stewy he loved him, not last night. Never, and he knew he never would. He'd made his peace with it. This was no grand love story for the ages. This was just the shit you have to put up with when you can have everything else in the world you want at a moment's notice. No-one has it all. 

But knowing that didn't make it any easier, did it. And that was the worst fucking thing of all. 

His most fucking shameful, embarrassing secret was that when things got too difficult or stressful, Stewy would retreat into his mind and play images of what would happen if he did say those words out loud. Obviously Kendall would never say yes, he knew that. But in those daydreams he always did. They would get married by the sea, sparkling turquoise and glinting gold. Their hands would touch and their lips would touch and their souls would touch and that would be it, forever. Lost in an ocean of love and peace and harmony, buffeted from the shit. 

His phone vibrated and brought him back to life. A fucking news alert with Kendall's wan face staring back at him blankly, _Roy to Furness: Bring It On, We're Ready_. He set his jaw in stone and got to work. Stewy doesn't do feelings.

**Author's Note:**

> stewy is a big softy even if he can't admit it to himself!!
> 
> title from see you again by tyler, the creator


End file.
